The end of semester tends to bring out all the creepy crawlies that have been hiding under their assorted rocks. The ones who disappeared weeks ago suddenly filter back up to the surface. Here, then, is a sampling of the delights they have to offer.
The Desperate, via Email:
Hi Prof
I realise I haven’t been to class since week 2, and I really wanted to learn, and you seem like such a great teacher, and I am sorry I didn’t take the time I should have taken to absorb your pearls of wisdom. Is there anyway I could still pass?
Me, ticked:
No.
Desperate:
Kthxbai.
The Liar, who looks me in the eye:
Me: So, I don’t seem to have your research essay.
Liar: I totally handed it in on Wednesday [this, by the way, would make it 10 days late, but who’s counting].
Me: ORLY? Where did this supposed “handing-in” take place?
Liar: In the Office. I utterly gave it to the Secretary.
Me: So you signed the book of handing-in-ness?
Liar: Probably.
Me: [steely glare]
Liar: Not exactly.
Me: So, where did you hand it in?
Liar: Look, they obviously lost it.
Me: Are you sure you want to continue in this vein?
Liar: How about I give it to you on Monday?
Me: How about you print it and give it to me NOW, since we are in a lab, and we have the technology.
Liar: Oh, it is on my laptop, at home.
Me: Okay, so go home and submit electronically.
Liar: I have to go to work.
Me: So, submit it later.
Liar: Okay.
Needless to say, the essay did not show up.
The Arrogant Asshole:
Me: So, I don’t seem to have your research essay.
AA: I decided I could take the 15% hit.
Me: ORLY?
AA: Sure. [Exit, stage right.]
Amusing Suck-up: I guess he missed the fine print in the course outline that said you had to submit that essay to pass the course.
The Guy with nothing better to do with his time, apparently:
Me: So, before you go in to the room for the final, I need to point out that you haven’t handed in any work, and therefore have a zero percent chance of passing the course.
Guy: Yeah, I kind of got behind.
Me: So, you know, writing the final isn’t going to resolve this situation.
Guy: I don’t mind.
Me: You get that you won’t pass, right?
Guy: Yeah. [Goes in and sits down, and gamely takes up a pen.]
What Ladder? 
I love Guy with Nothing Better to Do. Why would you do an exam when you have absolutely no hope of passing the subject?
You know, you’d think there would only be one breed of FAIL when it came to students. Unfortunately it looks like people invent their own unique methods of fucking up.
“I am sorry I didn’t take the time I should have taken to absorb your pearls of wisdom.”
i threw up in my mouth a little after reading that one…srsly, where do they come up with this crap?
I mis-read the title as “asstards, jerks, liars, etc”
I think that fits as well.
I agree.
Wow, I had one of those Arrogant types too. *Great* list.
ha ha ha!
I got one telling me she had to have a distinction, because her baby had been annoying her.
i came via the duck.
Is there really a book of handing-in-ness, or was that a clever ruse?
No, no, the book utterly exists for exactly this reason. Because students were wont to blame the secretaries – “I handed it in; they must have losted it” – so the book requires them to sign their paper in and write who it is for. If they do sign the book, the paper will generally turn up in my in box.
I just randomly found your blog and think it’s fantastic as I feel like I’m reading about the things I observe (and am forced to experience) almost every day at work… grrr! But about this post our office won’t accept late assignments or any assignments – it’s up to the students to put it in the hot hand of their prof so all responsibility falls on the student to either a) screw themselves over or b) be organized. Option ‘a’ seems to be chosen way too often.
yep…asstard pretty much sums it up for me
I doubt the guy with nothing better to do did well on the exam. However, I am willing to bet if by some miracle he was able to ace the exam, he would had used that as proof that he should automatically pass the class because his exam results proved he really didn’t need to sit in the class.