I am working on a post about my brilliant insights into Harry Potter, and it was the first week of term, so you know, busy and all. I feel bad aboout procrastinating, of course, and once more vow to do better. So, in lieu of anything deeper, I offer one funny anecdote, and a bit of silliness.
As you may guess, or possibly know from experience, the first week of term is characterised by a general feeling of not-knowing-arse-from-elbow-ness. Students come to class having been told that English 135 is interchangeable with English 351, and other such nonsense, professors can’t get their keys to open the smart cabinet, bookstores claim no knowledge of the concept “book,” and librarians concur. In the context of all that chaos, then, it takes a really special something for a student to manage to stand out as particularly clueless. One managed.
Clueless: “So, like I was at Much Bigger U last year, and I failed everything.”
Me (noncomitally, but kind of backing away): “MmmmHmmm?”
Clueless: “So, like, I am here this year, to kind of like, upgrade, or something.”
Me (wondering where this is going): “And you were hoping this class would help you with your GPA?”
Clueless: “No, like, I did a class that was kinda like this one.”
Me (still not clear where this is going): “Mmmmm?”
Clueless: “And I was kinda, like, hoping this class used the same book.”
Me: “But it doesn’t?” Thinks: wow, this is the kind of dedication and purpose I like to see in a student.
Clueless (a little despondent): “No. It’s this one.” Holds up copy of Norton Anthology.
Me (brightly): “Oh, you know what? Dr Hobbit is using that edition in his section. If it really is important to you.”
Clueless: “Wow. Thanks.”
Now, don’t get all disillusioned. I never said I wasn’t evil.
In another corner of the internets, I have been involved in ongoing discussions about the vileness of 12 year olds and their internet speak. Someone amused the populace by finding an English to 12-year-old translator, which really is scarily good at reproducing the usual level of nonsense. However, it clearly falls down when presented with a more challenging literary translation, for example of Sonnet 18 by Shakespeare.
SHAL I R THE 2 A SUM3RS DAY
THOU??!?!?!! LOL ART MORE LOVELEY AND MORE TAMP3RAET
ROUGH WINDS DO SHAEK DA DARLNG BUDS OF MAY
AND SUMERS LEAES HATH AL 2 SHORT A DAET
SOMETIEM 2 HOT TEH AY3 OF HEAEVN SHIENS
AND OFT SI HIS GOLD COMPL3XION DIMD
AND AV3RY FARE FROM FARE SOMETIEM DECLIENS
BY CHANC3 OR NATURES CHANGNG COURSA UNTRIMD
BUT THY 3TERNAL SUMER SHAL NOT FAED
NOR LOSE POSASION OF TAHT FARE THOU OWAST
NOR SHAL D3ATH BRAG THOU WANDEREST IN HIS SHAED
WH3N IN ETERNAL LIENS 2 TIEM THOU GROWAST
SO LONG AS M3N CAN BREATH3 OR 3YAS CAN SE
SO LONG LIEVS THIS AND THES GIEVS LIEF 2 THE!1!1!1!1! OMG WTF
Clearly, while the translator has modernised the spelling, I don’t think it truly gives the flavour of the discourse of the 21st century internet 12-year-old. In other words, it doesn’t explain the poem in ways idiots can understand.
Thus, I make my own humble offering, which I have not rendered anti-grammatically into 12-speak, but which, I like to think, offers a much clearer reflection of the thought processes behind the OMG WTF!!!oneone type discourse.
K, like I think you are hot.
Rilly, rilly, hot, but not, hot like actual temperature.
You have nice boobs, and I can say this because you are also nice, and won’t take it the wrong way.
You are hot because you are young.
Hot in like, a Lindsay Lohan way.
Or, you know, like how Brittany used to be hot.
But now she is all saggy
I actually think I might still like you
when you get older, because,
I like you for more than just your hotness.
Which actually says more about how I am a deep
and sensitive person than it does about you. Really.